Epiphany

I don’t usually write blogs that don’t contain pictures of some sort. I usually blog about weddings or events that I’ve photographed, or blog pictures that I’ve taken on our family outings.  Today, however, I want to share with you an epiphany that I had late last night while searching through the internets.  (Yes, I said internets.  My husband will think it’s hilarious.)

I started out with this crazy notion to become a photographer in September of 2007, which, ironically, was the first time I picked up a DLSR camera and really started trying to learn how to use it. I had just finished school to become a Doula, and had even done my first birth and LOVED it. (Yes, I still do births and birth photography, in case anyone is asking…) But after holding that shiny new camera in my hand, I quickly fell so completely in love with photography that it became my passion.  5 months later, in February of 2008, I was the official owner of Sarah Alston Photography.  I look back now and wonder, “What was I thinking"?”  I barely knew how to use a camera or work the settings.  I was a total newbie at photoshop.  I had no clue how to run a business.

I quickly learned of a wonderful photo-sharing website called Flickr that changed my life.  From there, I began associating with other photogs, local and worldwide, became inspired by their photographs, joined amazing groups that allowed me to learn the ins and outs of running a photography business, as well as enabled me to ask tons of questions ranging from the basic “How do I change my shutter speed” to “How do I file my taxes” to “Wow, I have a REALLY difficult client and I need help deciding how to deal with them.”  Flickr is really the foundation of helping my business become what it has.

My epiphany last night was revealed to me when I happened across the website of one of my favorite photographers.  I have MANY fave photographers…people that I have watched through the last few years, admired, become inspired and awed by.  But this person was one of my favorites.  I have looked upon their photos with wonder and admiration, but also with intimidation.  I always looked at their work and thought “Oh my gosh, I will NEVER be that good.  Why am I even in this business?  Who am I kidding?  I’m a fake, a fraud…I shouldn’t be doing this.”   I felt like I would never measure up with their level of beautiful work, their creativity, their Photoshop skills.

I was not left feeling inspired or good about myself.  It didn’t make me want to go out and shoot, or get new clients.  It sort of discouraged me.  This was not the fault of the photographer, it was my own lack of confidence that was the problem.  I doubted my self, and criticized myself.  Instead of becoming inspired by this person, I used them as the yardstick for which I would never measure up.  Instead of learning from them, I became intimidated.  I constantly compared myself to them.

With the help of supportive friends, family and wonderful clients, I was able to get to the point where I stopped worrying about this other photographer.  I stopped looking at their blog and at their website. I sort of just forgot about them altogether.  I started gaining confidence again.  I became more sure of myself.  My camera became an extension of my own body, instead of a tool that I fumbled around with clumsily. I became better at lighting, better at posing, better at relating to my clients.

Last night, I happened, sort of in a round about way, across the blog of my previous idol.  I poked around, looking at their latest photoshoots, their latest weddings, all of the recent events they’d attended.  And I couldn’t believe what I saw, and what I felt.  The emotion was overwhelming and exhilarating, all at the same time.  And the thought that kept going through my head over and over was this:

“I’M AS GOOD AS THEY ARE!”

For the first time ever, I was able to look at this person’s photos and not feel intimidated.  I didn’t feel bad about myself.  In fact, I felt great.  Their photos were still wonderful, just as beautiful as always.  And my photos were the same fun, creative images they always were.  So what changed, you ask?  The answer is my confidence!  I’ve grown as a photographer in technical skill, imagination and business sense, but what I really lacked before was confidence.  My ability to let my creativity flow without worrying about what someone else might think, or if it was “good enough” or if it was considered “professional enough” or if it would measure up to what I thought it should look like.

Now, I’m not tooting my own horn here – I’m not saying that I’m the best photographer that ever lived.  I’m not saying that I have nothing else to learn, that I have arrived and am now the High Rabba Labba Photographer of the Universe.  NO WAY!  What I’m saying is that I’ve finally gotten to the point where I am truly confident in my ability as a photographer. I can say that without balking, without those words catching in the back of my throat for just a second.  I can say that, yes, I have SO MUCH LEFT TO LEARN, but that in my journey to become the best photographer I can be, I can give my clients photographs that they will treasure forever.  I can give them an awesome time during our photoshoots. I’ve learned that I love how I run my business.  I love how I interact with my clients.  I love that they become my friends.   I’ve learned who I am, and that I truly like who I am.  And THAT is the best part out of this whole thing…finding my sense of self.  Finding confidence and happiness.

So, to all you aspiring photographers out there- don’t get so caught up in who is better than who..don’t play the “I’ll Never Be That Good” game.  It’s a waste of time.  All you can do is learn, become inspired and HAVE FUN!  And soon, you’ll be looking at your former idols, your hero’s and think “I’m just as good!”

Trust me, it’s a wonderful feeling!